From the VFR Newsletter.
Parenting:
Are you a Jellyfish or a Brick Wall?
by Uttama devi dasi
Tamohara das and Mantrini devi dasi facilitaded an interactive parenting seminar at the last Festival of Inspiration in New Vrndavana. In it, they role played the various types of parenting styles descrived below.
Jellyfish parenting can be of two styles, loving and neglectful. The uninvolved jellyfish is characterized by having few rules and limits and little warmth and affection. Jelly fish parents are not very responsive to their children and tend to allow kids to do what they want, not paying much attention to their requests or demands. A child parented in this style tends to be a ‘wild child’ and truancy and delinquency are common. Their inadequate emotional regulation makes them immature and impedes friendship formation.
Child: My friends are going to the park to skate. I want to go with them.
Parent: Shhhhhh…..I’m watching my program now!
Child: Mom, did you hear me! I SAID I’m going to the park!
Parent: I heard you! What about the dirty dishes piled in the sink?
Child: I dunno…
Parent: OK…whatever….I guess they’ll just sit there in the sink as usual…
The other style of jellyfish, the permissive jellyfish is similar except they are high in warmth and affection and high in responsiveness but because they have few or no rules, as do the neglectful jellyfish and little or no structure and consequences, the outcomes for the children unfortunately are very similar. Their children are the typical, ‘spoiled child’.
Child: My friends are going to the park to skate. I want to go with them.
Parent: That sounds like fun, Sweetie! Oh but, didn’t we talk about you doing the dishes tonight?
Child: But, Tommy doesn’t have to do the dishes…it’s not fair!
Parent: I guess you are right, it doesn’t seem fair if your brother doesn’t have to…Who is going to do the dishes, Honey?
Child: You are!
Parent: Well, OK, this time I’ll do them for you…off you go and have a good time!
Brick Wall or authoritarian parenting,on the converse, is high in rules and limits, but low in warmth and affection. The attitude of ‘my way or the highway’ usually prevails. Brick wall parents would rather punish than discipline, teach or correct. Unfortunately the resultant ‘obedient child’ usually lacks initiative. The children are likely to be conscientious, obedient and quiet, although not especially happy. They are more likely to be depressed or feel guilty, self-blaming and to rebel as adolescents.![]()
Child: My friends are going to the park to skate. I want to go with them.
Parent: You have to do the dishes. You can’t go.
Child: But, Tommy doesn’t have to do the dishes…it’s not fair!
Parent: Leave your brother out of this. Get in there and start doing the dishes!
Child: Why do I have to do dishes when my brother doesn’t have to?
Parent: Because I said so and I’m the boss!
Backbone Parenting or the authoritative style is the happy medium. These parents set appropriate limits and adjust them to the time, place and circumstance. They are high in warmth and affection. They encourage participation from their children. The children always get their say, but they may not always get their way. Their dealings with children are marked with a balance of firmness, kindness, affection and reasonable expectations, so the outcome is ‘well-behaved, confident children’. As a result children are likely to be successful, articulate, intelligent, happy with themselves, and generous with others. They tend to be liked by teachers and peers.
Child: My friends are going to the park to skate. I want to go with them.
Parent: I thought this was your night to do the dishes.
Child: But, Tommy doesn’t have to do the dishes…it’s not fair!
Parent: I know you don’t think it’s fair that you have to do the dishes and your brother doesn’t.
Child: Yeah, why does Tommy get away with no dishes!
Parent: Well, your brother does other chores that you don’t….So, go and do the dishes as we agreed upon…We’ll talk about the family chores at dinner tomorrow night. Maybe Tommy will trade chores with you if you don’t like dishes so much.
During the seminar, participants were asked to break up into groups according to how they were parented when young. Each person described what their experience was like being parented in that way.
I moderated the group whose parents were the brick wall type. It was interesting to hear comments reflecting that while a few did appreciate some of the rules and strictness and felt they were better in some ways because of it, many have a hard time making decisions as adults. Some felt they have low self-esteem and some have a hard time disiplining their children. Many did not have a close relationship with a ‘brick wall’ parent. When asked how they now parent, many described they tended to swing drastically to the jellyfish, overly permissive style although some said they are replicating their childhood experience, but are not happy with it.
General comments from brick wall and jellyfish parented adults was that they either now parent in the same way or in drastic opposition. It was hard for them to take the balanced path. As you might expect, the children who were parented in an authoritative, backbone style are able to use that with their children.
After that graphic exercise, all wanted to try to use the authoritative, backbone style of parenting. This seminar was based on the study of Diana Baumrind, with nomenclature adapted from Barbara Coloroso’s “Kids are Worth It”.
